Deary Diary, I'm a One-Man Wolf Pack.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always said that I’m totally okay with being by myself. I’ve always prided myself in the contentment I find with being alone with my thoughts and ideas, and I’ve always loved having the ability to do the things that brought me joy without worrying about someone else’s feelings or opinions. My name is Ashlan Camp and I love being a one-man wolf pack.

My mother always told me that I was a content child. She has always said that she did not worry about taking me out in public because she knew that I’d be able to entertain myself. She could hand me a book, coloring sheet, or toy, and I could sit there for hours playing by myself. I remember when my siblings were born I continued to be easy to please. I would sit in our play room and play with my Barbies or read by myself. In middle/high school, I established my group of friends but recall loving my time alone or with family just as much. In college, I gained a variety of different friends by being involved in a number of organizations, but nothing appealed to me more than going for a run to be alone with my thoughts, or being alone in my room to process my long to do lists.

Even after meeting Wes, I loved to have my alone time. He was the first significant other I really had that understood this intricate piece of my personality and accepted it fully. He accepted me with all the ‘negative’ character traits that came along with this lone-wolf .

Wes understood that I NEEDED my alone time. No seriously, it’s not a want; it’s a need in order for me to function properly on a daily basis. Even though we stayed with each other every single night for 7.5 of the 8 years we had together, we rarely spent all day together. Throughout college, Wes was busy with class and baseball. I was busy with class, work, and sorority activities. Once we hit the real world, our jobs required more of us than expected. We have always worked our asses off to help set up a solid future, so many nights, one of us would be asleep by the time the other got home. I’m so thankful that he respected my drive and commitment to working hard. I’m thankful he was equally as driven and always supported my focus on building my career. But, it pains me to type such a thing, knowing that we both spent so much time working and setting up for a future we will never get.

Wes understood that I was stressed…all the time. Having too much alone time with my thoughts does not help my anxiety. Wes always allowed me to vent to him about all of my fears and uncertainties. He was always there to lend a listening ear, wipe my tears of frustration, and give me reminders of how strong and brave I was. I truly do not know what I did to deserve such an encouraging and patient partner (We… patient? Crazy, right?), but I know God played a huge part in providing me with a partner like that. It’s scary knowing I don’t have my right-hand man to guide me through my periods of anxiety and depression. I worry that no one will be able to replace the support I found in him. I have found so much strength in being alone with God though. I know that God has my best interest at heart and that no matter how much I struggle, he’s always there to listen.

Wes understood that I shut down when I was overwhelmed. I find it way easier to quietly deal with my emotions than to voice my feelings out loud. Wes always knew when I was “in one of my moods” and forced me to talk about what was bothering me. He would literally sit me down and say “We’re not moving from this couch until you tell me what I can do to help you.” For this, I’ll forever be indebted to him because I feel like those same words enter in my mind as soon as I begin a journal entry/blog post. He always wanted me to know that the only way to fix an issue was to discuss the issue and a solution. He wanted me to know that he was in my corner and ready to fight for me at any moment.

Even though Wes understood me and all the ups and downs of committing yourself to a lone wolf, it didn’t give him some super power to prevent himself from dying (although someone should really get on that opportunity, because it’d save a lot of heartache). No, instead I’m left here feeling alone and feeling like no one else can ever reach the depth of knowing me like Wesley did. And do I blame them if they don’t want to get to know me that well? Hell no. Truth be told, I’m really great at faking like I’m okay 99% of the time anyways. As a matter of fact, six months in and I can:

· Smile back at a cashier and say “Hope you have a good day too!” (And I think they believe me!!)

· Respond back to “How are you?” by saying “Making it!” without breaking down into tears immediately (So I now can wear mascara again!!)

· Happily say that I’m back at work now full time (Because having something take up 8-10 hours of my brain that doesn’t depress the shit out of me is worth attempting in my book!!)

· Hang out with family and friends without sitting in a corner awkwardly or claiming I have to leave early because I am ‘tired’ (that used to be my code word to Wes when I felt overwhelmed with anxiety)

I seriously may have found my calling as an actress. Truth is, I’m really great at building up these walls; after all, that’s what us lone wolfs do, right? It’s easier to not divulge every delicate detail of your personality, beliefs, and struggles because then no one can judge you. Then, no one can get close to you. Then, no one you care for can leave you, upset you, or be taken from you. It’s. Just. Easier. That. Way.

But guess what? That’s not how Wes thought in the slightest bit. He was not a lone-wolf. He wanted a wolf pack the size of an army. He wanted people to feel loved by him. He wanted people to feel they were valued. He wanted people to feel like they always had a friend in him. Boy, did he do a great job of it too! It’s one of his traits that attracted me to him most. And because of this, I can’t be that lone wolf anymore, no matter how lonely I feel on the inside some days. Truth is, I couldn’t go back to being that girl even if I tried. I’m not the same person I was six months ago. Plus, Wes wouldn’t want me to feel alone. He’d want me to accept the love that I’ve been getting. He’d want me to surround myself with people who truly love and care for me. He’d want me to let others in and soak up their positive energy. He’d want me to break my dependency on my one-man wolf pack mentality.

From the closest of family members, to acquaintances I haven’t spoken to in years, to the complete strangers I’ve talked to, I want to thank you. Know that even though I couldn’t send a thank you note to everyone, I have not looked past a single favor that anyone has done for me…for us. Thank you for the calls to see how I’m doing. Thank you for the texts asking me if I needed anything. Thank you for the countless number of meals and groceries because it’s the last thing I want to worry about. Thank you for reaching out to let me know that you are praying for our families and me. Thank you for the flowers that brighten my day. Thank you for the invites to go to lunch, dinner, or out on the lake (even if I decline because I’m ‘tired’) because they make me feel like a normal human being. Thank you for the laughs that you provide me with, especially since I didn’t think I could ever laugh again. Thank you for the gifts…the books, the devotionals, the journals, the jewelry, the pictures, the shirts, the blankets, the calming teas, the bath bombs, and the gift cards. Thank you for allowing me to vent to you when the days seem too much to bear. Thank you for the cards that allow me to feel so loved (these have made me develop a new found appreciation for a handwritten note). But mostly thank you for supporting me in any way you felt fit. Thank you for not letting me stay a one-man wolf pack. Thank you for assisting Wes in helping me break through that mindset. Thank you for being a part of my family. I know that I have lost the other half of me, and for that I will always ache, but I gained a whole dope ass tribe that will not let me fail. This tribe will not let me be judged. This tribe will not let me feel alone. And that my friends, is what we call ‘strength in numbers’. My name is Ashlan, and I love being a part of a tribe.

---

For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good. Psalm 52:9