Dear Diary, Welcome to Fear Factor!

If you are a 90’s baby and you didn’t watch Fear Factor growing up, I’m not sure we can be friends. It used to be in my family’s list of weekly shows we’d sit down and watch together, along with The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, Survivor, American Idol (until we reached 2011 and now it’s The Voice), and America’s Best Dance Crew. You can tell we’re very cultured and worldly based on our selections, I know. Anyways, Fear Factor used to be one of our favorites because we’d sit around asking each other if we could eat the gross ass things they did, or jump off something 16000 feet off the ground, or be put in a bucket of god knows what, all for a million dollars. Facing your fears for a million dollars seems pretty tempting, am I right?

Ironically, Fear Factor got brought up this past weekend when I was with my friends at the lake. We were discussing if we’d rather be put in a pit of snakes or roaches? If you want to know the outcome of that vote, Syd and Zach are insane, and would rather be put in a pit of snakes. We switched it up and asked if we’d rather be put in a pit of snakes versus a pit of spiders. Let me tell you that I will become Britney Spears, and wrap a snake around my own damn neck, over having a single spider (aka Satan’s creatures) crawl on me. I get chills just thinking about it.

Every time I talk about Fear Factor, I think about how I’d walk away a big, fat LOSER. I wish I was brave enough to be one of those people to face my fears, or better yet, have no fears at all. Truth be told, I’ve always been a huge pansy who doesn’t enjoy taking risks (it’s a miracle Wes loved me with his thrill-seeking self). I tend to over-analyze things, so terrifying risks never seem worth the reward. Seriously, the list of my fears looks like a CVS receipt.

I’m terrified of heights. Getting to the top of the Empire State Building was not cool; it was terrifying. The views were not incredible because my mind was spinning. All I thought of, was the fact they told me when I was little…”If you dropped a penny from the top of the Empire State Building, it could kill someone walking down the side walk.” I just knew if I got too close someone would pick me up and throw me off that bad boy. Totally logical scenario, right?!

I’m terrified of natural disasters. This is absolutely ridiculous because I’ve never experienced a natural disaster first hand, but that’s the thing, I don’t want to! Not sure how likely it is for South Carolina to be hit by a tsunami, but it’s a huge fear of mine. When I was little, any time I heard there was a tornado watch/warning, I’d pack my stuffed animals and other prized possessions in trash bags and go hide in our home’s ‘safe spot’. (It’s amazing my mom didn’t have me diagnosed with anxiety at an early age, I know.)

As mentioned before, I’m terrified of spiders. Have you looked at those things?! The legs, the big bodies, the multiple sets of eyes…no ma’am! Can’t do it!

These are general, surface level fears, that other people may or may not have. They are the types of fears you aren't intimidated to share with others. But, what about those deep, deep fears you have? I’m talking about the ones you really only admit to your best friends when you’re sleeping over and it’s 3AM. I’m talking about the fears that hit you after significant life events occur. I’m talking about all the fears I have now that Wesley is gone. If I’m being honest, I’ve always feared that I’d lose someone close to me. I think it’s part of fearing the unknown that comes along with losing someone close to you, especially the person you were planning on waking up to every single day for the rest of your life.

Now, I’m terrified that I have no plan for my future. I’m not sure where I’ll move to. I’m not sure who I’ll live with. I’m not sure what my dream job is anymore. I’m not sure who I’ll lose next (and God, can we please not rush this? Idk if I’m equipped to handle loss again).

I’m terrified that I’ll die alone. Such a depressing thought, huh? Picture the ending of The Notebook, but with Allie curled up in that bed by herself. Terrible right? That’s what I see happening to myself each night though. And on the same hand, I’m terrified at the thought of ever opening my heart to anyone else ever again, because they’ll probably just die too soon as well (and again God, not sure I can handle that). So, maybe it’s just best to be the lonely Allie in the hospital bed, because the loss of one person you love seems to be a lot easier to cope with than losing two people you love.

I’m terrified that I’ll miss God’s plan for me in all this tragedy. I know God has something in store for me and Wes’s legacy through all of this pain, but what if I miss the signs leading me to what that is? I told my Bible study group last week, that I have to have hope that something positive will come out of this. There are too many examples in the Bible of people in shitty, unpredictable, depressing situations who come out on top, and use their story as a testament to God’s unwavering love. I want…no, I NEED, to be one of those examples. I just am scared that I’ll miss or ignore that calling.

And really, I think my biggest fear is more perfectly explained by a quote of a quote (you read that right) from one of my all-time favorite movies, Coach Carter. (If you’ve never seen this movie, we also can’t be friends. This is where I really fell in love with Channing Tatum people.) In the movie, Coach Carter, played by THE Samuel L. Jackson, keeps asking his players, “What is your deepest fear?” The players either didn’t respond, or came up with a surface level answer, but it was never the answer Coach was looking for. Then, one day at study hall (watch it to see the good shit in between), one of my favorite characters, Timo Cruz, stood up and gave Coach the answer he was waiting for. Timo recited the famous quote from Marianne Williamson/Nelson Mandela, (We’re not here to argue who said it first because it’s just powerful shit)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”

W o w z e r s .

If I'm being really honest (which what do I have to lose if I'm not?), I’m most terrified because God has put me in the most gut wrenching, difficult, and trying point of my life because he thought I was powerful enough to handle it. I’m terrified that he thinks I’m strong enough to live with this hole in my heart every, single day for the rest of my life. I’m terrified that he sees me as David in this Goliath of a situation. Clearly, he sees things that the pansy in me has yet to uncover. Clearly, I'm more of a fighter than I give myself credit for. Why does that light/power within me intimidate the shit out of me? I think it's because it's easier to focus on our negative qualities. It's easier to accept all of our flaws than it is to accept that we have some grand purpose for our life. It's easier to tear ourselves down and feel worthless, than it is to encourage ourselves and live to our full potential.

So really, even though I never saw myself as a successful candidate on Fear Factor, I think I’m kind of living an episode of it. And dare I say, being a successful competitor as well? I’ve been thrown into this pit, with all of my fears looking me right in the face (plz leave out the spiders for real though), and I’m not tapping out. Actually, it’s not even an option to tap out; I've got too much light and power for that. Maybe I’m not as much of a pansy as I thought I was; maybe I am a fierce player in this wild episode of Fear Factor: Life Edition? After all, I’ve got Wes, God, and my tribe by my side; there’s no way I’m walking out being anything but a winner.

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The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1