Dear Diary, Til Death Do Us Part

All my ladies out there (gents you can be included too), did yall ever dream of what your wedding day would look like when you were younger? Did you know exactly what type of dress you envisioned yourself in? Did you know what venue you wanted to use before you even knew how to spell venue? Did you envision the cake you’d cut and the bouquet that you’d toss to your best girl friends? Did you dream of the man you’d marry? Did you already have a picture of what he’d look like and how he’d cry when you walked down the aisle?

You get a gold star for being a normal female (or male) then! I, however, never thought about the answers to these questions for a single moment in 26 years of my life. I never dreamed of becoming a wife or what my future husband would be like. Growing up, I ALWAYS was more focused on what I’d be doing for a career, and how I could afford the boujee ass lifestyle I’ve envisioned. You think I’m being dramatic, but my mom found my autobiography I wrote in 6th grade, and at the end we had to discuss what our goals/plans were for the rest of our life. I wrote (and I quote), “I probably won’t get married because boys are weird. I don’t really want kids but I’d love to have a ton of pets. I’m not sure what I want to be when I grow up, but I want a nice house.” So…there’s that. Feels great to know I haven’t changed a single bit of my personality since I was ten years old.

So, you’re probably like, “Wow Ash! Why the hell did you marry Wes then?” And to this my answer is partially, because he was MY damn man (my Grammie loves when I say that shit), and partially because my mom basically set a date at a venue for us. If Wes were here, he’d tell you that he knew he was going to (try to?) marry me from the moment he met me. I, admittedly, did not necessarily feel the same (blame the Aquarius in me…iykyk). Lord knows, I love Wes for being patient with me as I tried to figure that shit out though. I’m not even sure when I finally admitted I loved that man. Was it the moment I went to my car and he had the newly released ‘Red’ Taylor Swift album sitting in my front seat as a surprise? Was it the moment he was a real team player and went with Mary and me to Saluda Shoals to see Christmas lights (when now I know he’d probably rather have chewed his arm off)? Was it the moment he brought me Sonic the morning after I had one too many vodka cranberries at our Kappa Delta Crush Party? I honestly can’t tell you. What I will tell you is that the moment he got down on one knee, I remember thinking to myself, “Do you ever want to spend a day without this guy?” And the answer was immediately, “Absolutely not.”

But, even after he popped the question, I didn’t feel the urge to start planning an extravagant wedding. To be honest, I didn’t necessarily care about the wedding; I just knew that this man, who was my best friend, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and that was enough for me (and the ring was icing on the cake). Angela stepped up to the plate though (per usual)! Without her, my wonderful mother-in-law, my sweet cousin and sister, and all our friends and family, we wouldn’t have had one of the most fun days of my life.

November 17, 2018, I walked down the aisle in a pink dress and sparkly vans (what the hell else did you expect?) to meet the man who undoubtedly loved me more than life itself. I vowed to love him for richer and poorer. I vowed to love him in sickness and in health. I vowed to love him for as long as we both shall live.

As time moves forward, and our second wedding anniversary rapidly approaches, I find myself thinking “What do I do now that one of us is no longer living?” Sometimes I play this sick game in my mind, where I imagine what life would be like if Wesley were still here. Some days I envision us in a new home on the avenues like we wanted. That shit looks like Joanna Gaines came in herself and designed it too (but mid-century, modern vibes not farmhouse). Some days I imagine I’m pregnant with our first child and Wes and I are arguing over names because I know he’d want some basic ass name and I’m way too hippie for that. Some days I imagine us planning another trip to a tropical location to celebrate our second year of marriage. We’re on a beach, drink in hand, living our best life. Some days I just picture us right there in our home, quarantining together, and watching movies while we eat ramen for dinner. And the closer we get to November 17, the more these thoughts enter my mind.

But as this date approaches, I also think about a conversation Wes and I had one day. Apparently, having convos with your significant other about what would happen if one of you died is not a normal thing, but for us it was! We were on our way to our weekly dinner date and in the middle of my usual car concert, he says, “I hope I die before you.” Of course my first reaction was, “Babe, why the hell would you say that?” To which he responded, “I just can’t live without you. And I know that you’d be fine without me. You’re way more mentally tough than I am. I just couldn’t do it.” You know what keeps me going each and every single day, regardless of how miserable or happy I feel? Those freaking words right there.

It’s not an option for me at this point. Even after death has parted us, Wes shows up day after day, to push me to be a better person. He’s still pushing me to be strong. He’s still pushing me to step out of my comfort zone. He’s still pushing me to let loose every once in a while. He’s still pushing me to have faith that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. He’s still pushing me to open my heart to the good in the world. He’s doing all the things he did even when he was close enough to physically touch.

Will I receive flowers from my husband on our second anniversary this year? No. Will I get dressed up to go eat at a nice restaurant with him? No. Will I get to stress over finding him a great anniversary gift? No. Will I get to take a vacation to celebrate with him? No. Will I get to pop open the expensive bottle of champagne we received as a wedding gift and forgot to drink when we returned from our 1st anniversary trip to Hawaii, and vowed to wait until our second to drink it together? No. But Wes has continuously provided with two of the most special gifts I could have ever asked for as we round up what would have been our second year of marriage. He’s given me hope and strength, for which I will be eternally thankful for. Without these two gifts, I know I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I know that I wouldn’t be making the most of what I have left in this life. I know I wouldn’t feel like this new woman I’ve become thanks to everything I’ve felt and experienced this past year. I know he’s looking down right now saying “Yet again, I’ve given the better gifts.” And for once in his life (lolz), you are totally right Wesley.

Beautiful Photos compliments of Carlee Myers Photography and Design

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But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31