Dear Diary, Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These.

It has been over 9 months since I lost Wes and I just experienced my first dream of him last night.

For these past 9 months, I have been begging and pleading with God, Wes, and all of the universe’s powers to please provide me with a sign from him. I’m not talking about a generic sign, although I have seen plenty of cardinals and lady bugs since his passing. No, I wanted like a Long Island Medium experience. I wanted his presence to speak to me, or for him to write a letter on my foggy mirror after a shower, or for me to have a moment where I closed my eyes and could literally see him right there in front of me whispering words of wisdom. I am well aware this is all sounds BAT SHIT CRAZY, but because of how unexpected his passing was, I feel like I’ve needed a sign that he is okay, that he’s proud of me, and that he’s right here with me, even on the days I don’t feel it.

I blame the medicine I now have to take to calm my mind each night before bed, but I’ve only sort of experienced a dream with him in it once before. It was about a month or two after he passed. I had a dream that I was on a beach in Hawaii. It was literally the most beautiful day, and I was lying down on a towel looking out at the clear blue water and palm trees. I know that Wes was with me on that beach in the dream; I felt his presence with me but I never saw his face or heard him say a word. I remember waking up so angry that my subconscious couldn’t even provide me with a little piece of him to ease my mind. All I wanted was two more seconds to see my husband in paradise!

Last night was so different.

We were in a cabin overlooking the mountains and a lake (I wish I knew exactly where this place was because it was incredible). We were snuggled on a couch in front of a fire and I just felt this warmth and happiness from being with him like that again. I even feel that warmth just thinking back about the dream. We were talking, but it was strange because we were talking about my struggles with my present day situation…the fact that he’s no longer here. I told him that I was scared because I didn’t know what my purpose was anymore. I told him I was angry because I had to do this life without my best friend now. I told him I was conflicted on a daily basis about whether I should try and be happy without him here, or dwell in sadness because he isn’t. I told him I was worried that he’d be disappointed in any of the decisions I made for myself from here on out. And lastly, I told him I missed him and questioned why he left me so soon?

At this point, I remember looking at him with tears running down my face (and they’re also running down my face reminiscing about it) and him cupping my chin in his hands and saying, “Ash, it was my time.” I looked at him and said “But you told me you would never leave me” and he responded “You are so strong. Keep going. I love you so much.” And then, I fell asleep in his arms and woke up in my bed at our home, that he hasn’t come back to since December 20, 2019. I woke up sad and desperate to fall back asleep to see him or hear him speak to me one more time. I laid there…staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours, only to come to this conclusion.

It’s not that Wes was neglecting to send me a sign. No, Wes wouldn’t hold out on me like that. Wes knew to wait and give me something that special when I needed it most. See, recently, I’ve been struggling so, so bad with my anxiety. I wake up and it consumes every inch of my body. My chest feels tight. My legs don’t stop shaking. My mind will not shut off the ‘what ifs’. I’ve cried more in the past few weeks than I have in a long ass time. I have felt like a zombie all over again. I’ve been trying so extremely hard not to give in to those thoughts and feelings and let them control my day. I still wake up each day and work my ass off at the job I love. I still spend as much time with friends and family throughout the week. I still focus on my personal health and get to the gym as much as possible during the week. But nothing has helped recently, and my mind was beginning to get the best of me. Wes knew that I needed this sign now, when I have felt more weak and helpless than I have since the beginning of the year.

Even though this moment was short, and only part of my subconscious, it was exactly what I needed to feel like I can do this. I needed to hear him to tell me to keep going. I needed to hear him say that he thought I was strong af. I needed to feel that support that he always gave me when he was by my side. So, truly this is just a special shout out to my mans; thanks for teaching me the value of patience and true support beyond your time here. I miss you more than you’ll ever know.

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You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3