Dear Diary, Summer Lovin...Happened So Fast.

No, but really, where the hell did my summer go? Actually, where the hell has 2020 gone? It seems like just yesterday we were out of work due to this pandemic (the Covert, as my dad calls it), but even more so, it feels like just two hours ago I was soaking up summertime sunshine. Something about summer hits different for me. I’m a cold natured person, so I love temps of 80 degrees and above. I feel like high waist jean shorts and tanks might as well be my trademark style. Bathing suits are probably my favorite article of clothing to buy (embarrassed to discuss how many I own). I feel 100% more confident when I look like the bronzed, Puerto Rican goddess I am (JLo, what is your secret?!). I love being by the pool, lake, or ocean with a good drink, good music, and good book in hand. Due to all of this, I'm labeling summer time me as my best self. Luckily, South Cackalacky starts up its summertime weather in about April and usually lasts til October (I’m being conservative...for once in my life...because some years I’ve worn t-shirts to Christmas functions), so I’ve got plenty of days to soak up sun and fun.

This summer has looked very different for me in comparison to what I’ve experienced in the past. The most obvious change of this summer has been the lack of Wes’s presence. Although fall was probably his favorite season (football season, duh), we had so many summer activities we loved to do. Lake days were our favorite. We used to take out his grandparent’s pontoon and spend the day swimming, tubing, and wakeboarding. We always had a huge group with us too, because Wes’s motto seemed to be “The more the merrier!” We also loved to grill out and eat outside on our deck. I remember he always felt so proud to contribute to a dinner with his grilling skills since those are probably last on my list of culinary talents. My main love language is quality time, so those simple moments, where we just got to be together, were my favorite. We also loved to get to the beach as much as possible. His dad’s side of the family had an annual beach trip that was always guaranteed to be a week full of good food, family games, and Wes being able to spend quality time with his siblings. We also loved heading down to Charleston for a weekend to visit with our friends and my cousins, and eat all the amazing food Charleston has to offer. How is it that these memories feel like they were a lifetime ago?

And here I was, this summer, husbandless/best friendless and travel buddyless(?), and not really sure I was ready to tackle my favorite season without my mans. I wasn't so sure that my best self would be making an appearance this summer. But surprise! Here I am about to roll into fall, and I made it through another chunk of life with a piece of my heart missing. Surprisingly enough, not only did I create some incredible memories with friends and family, I learned a lot about myself in this season.

First Lesson: Hard work, in fact, pays off. Coming into the summer, I had about 20 days of work I had to make up for missing time while grieving my loss. 20 days to make up when my position at the school works year round, seemed like a daunting task. How was I going to make up this time when I hadn’t even been back to work full time before going out on quarantine? I did it though. I made up all my time, and might I add, am extremely proud of myself for doing so. There were days at the beginning of 2020 when I couldn’t even last two hours at the school. So to see my progress, and see that I now can put in 10 hours of work with ease, makes me value my amount of determination even more.

Second Lesson: Do the damn thing. Literally, DO. ALL. THE. DAMN. THINGS. Go to the lake with your friends. Go to the family cookout. Go to the beach for the day with friends. Go on vacation with your family, even if you can only go for the weekend. Go out to eat with your girlfriends. Go for a weekend mountain get-away with your oldest girlfriend. Go run the dam or river walk, and enjoy nature when you can. Go try out a new hiking spot. Go get the new tattoo with your siblings/cousin. Because doing the damn things will help you create those memories I always preach about. You’re going to walk away from these experiences a lot happier than you were going in. You’re going to walk away with inside jokes, stories, and pictures that will stick with you for a lifetime. Can’t stress this enough…the memories are important people!

Third Lesson: Get outdoors! Yes, I’m a hippie at heart, but I'm not telling you to go hug some trees, rub some crystals, and plant your feet in Earth to get grounded (unless you're down to do those things, because I will totally join). I’m telling you there is nothing better than getting some fresh freaking air to clear your mind. I have felt the most at peace this summer when I’ve taken sunset boat rides with friends, when I’ve been laying on the beach listening to Laid Back Brunch radio on Pandora with my twin and her husband, when I’ve gone for long walks by the river with my mom and pups, and when I’ve gotten a run in on the Lake Murray dam. I really feel like once you are outside, taking in all the prettiest views and seeing the coolest parts about nature, you can’t help but realize how little some of your problems are in the grand scheme of things and how big a role God has in this thing called life. I told my bible study group one night about a perspective I try to keep in mind when I’m feeling really shitty…”God made the mountains, the beach, the sun rise and sunset. He made all these cool plants and animals. He made places we have only seen in pictures that seem too beautiful to even be real, but he also made ME.” Like how cool is it that he thought I was equally as important, beautiful, and needed in this world as Horseshoe Bend, Diamondhead, and the Great Barrier Reef? It’s wild when you think about it (no pun intended?).

Fourth Lesson: Don’t you dare give a damn about what people think of you. This has taken me some time to come to terms with. I’ve never cared what people think about my physical appearance, even from an early age. You don’t like my clothes or style? Don’t buy what I’m wearing. You don’t like how I colored my hair? Don’t do yours like that. You don’t like what car I drive? Don’t buy yourself one then. But I have always been concerned with how people perceive my beliefs or character. You think I’m a liar? I’ll do anything to prove you wrong. You think I’m selfish? I’d be heart broken. You think I’m manipulative? I couldn’t get over that. I think the worst part about becoming a widow unexpectedly, and at such a young age, is that there is no rule book. There is no play-by-play for what you should do, what/when/how to feel, or a time frame for moments of sadness and joy. I have read about and spoken to numerous other widows and the same thing always gets said…”You do what makes you feel best, because no one can understand what you’re going through.” So, I’ve done just that. At first, I was worried that I wasn’t ‘widow-ing’ correctly. I was worried I was crying too much. I was worried that people would perceive my happy moments as me 'forgetting' Wes. I was worried that I was hanging out with my friends and family too much. I was worried that I wanted to be alone too much. I was worried that I wasn’t visiting Wes’s grave site enough. I was worried that I was too emotional. When I finally thought through it (huge thanks to my therapist), I realized that the only people who would be judging me on any of that were people who really didn’t know me. So why on God’s beautiful, green ass Earth, would I let their opinion run my screwed up life? As soon as I came to terms with the fact that the people who loved and supported me would always love and respect my needs, I became a little more at peace with myself. Am I perfect? Hell no. Am I a model widow? Nah. Am I the perfect friend/daughter/sister? Nope. Do I always look on the bright side? I wish I could say yes. Do I always have full faith that God has a great plan for me? Again, I wish I could say yes. But I can promise you, I’m authentically, 100% Ashlan Diaz Camp, and I know Wes loved me for every ounce of who I was and continue to be.

Fifth Lesson: Be thankful…especially when it feels like there’s absolutely nothing to be thankful for. There have been many moments this summer that I’ve enjoyed, but there have also been moments where I have felt hopeless and helpless. I’ve learned that at these low points, it’s so important to remind yourself of what you have been blessed with, even the smallest of things. When I feel like I’m drowning, I remind myself of how thankful I am that my family and friends keep me afloat. When I feel stressed because I’m not sure how to make ends meet, I remind myself of how thankful I am that my parents have continued to stand by me in every sense of the meaning. When I feel absolutely terrified of what my future looks like, I remind myself how thankful I am that I’ve made it through another day. It truly is all about mindset. Instead of ‘Look good; feel good’, I vote (and you should also go vote on November 3rd FYI) we change it to “Think good; feel good.”

At the beginning of this summer, all I knew for sure was that I had a huge chunk of me missing. There would be no baseball games, lake days, boat rides, hiking trips, driving range fun, pool parties, cookouts, beach trips, dinners on the back deck, or time off with Wesley. While I would give anything in this absolute world to have one more summer with him, I’m also so thankful for the new and old friends who have helped me create a summer worth remembering. I’m thankful for the people who still provided me with memories of doing the summer time things I love most. It's because of these people that I will continue to be my best self, no matter what season of life I'm in.

Now…brb…school is in session!

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I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1-2