Dear Diary, Progress Over Perfection.

News Flash: I’m very into hippy trippy shit. This is no shock to anyone who knows me. I FIRMLY believe in horoscopes and astrology. I love a tarot card reading or having someone read my auras. Yes, I am a Christian, but karma makes sense in my eyes. So, it’s no shock that when the Enneagram Test was mentioned to me, I dove in head-first. (If you haven’t taken this test, do it; it’s incredibly insightful.) My results were less than shocking and totally applicable. I’m an Enneagram Type One, and now you’re like, “Ash, WTF does that mean?!” Thanks for asking! I’ll tell you!

Enneagram Type 1 is ‘The Reformer’. We are Rational, Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and a Perfectionist. When I poured over what exactly an Enneagram Type 1 was, I found the following to relevant to me:

· Type 1’s are conscientious and ethical.

· Type 1’s have a strong sense of right and wrong.

· Type 1’s are usually teachers and advocates for change.

· Type 1’s fear making mistakes.

· Type 1’s are orderly and well-organized.

· Type 1’s have a strong desire to be right, to have integrity, and to justify themselves.

· Type 1’s always consider the consequences of their actions.

· Type 1’s are strict with themselves in the hopes of reaching a level of perfection, not for others, but for themselves.

That perfection piece hit me guys…hit me hard! I remember discussing my ideas of perfectionism with my therapist in one of my early sessions. She kept questioning who put this pressure of perfectionism in my head. Was it my parents? Was it a previous teacher or coach? Was it another family member? A church member? All of these answers were no. I, thankfully, have grown up in a household where best efforts and perseverance were always praised over perfection. Quickly, I concluded that I was the only one putting this HUGE pressure of perfectionism on myself. And for why?

Let me tell you one I M P O R T A N T life lesson I learned on December 20, 2019. LIFE ISN’T PERFECT. It’s not rainbows and butterflies, and more importantly, you can’t control what gets thrown your way.No matter how hard you try and make it 5000% perfect, it’s not. Surely if it was, Wes would still be here. And with May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I think it’s about time we all acknowledge that as a society. Life is a beautiful and fragile gift, but it is the farthest thing from perfect.

I almost get angry at how I used to approach life when Wes was alive. I used to put so much effort into ensuring that we had the perfect home for us to live in, the perfect amount of time with family and friends, the perfect jobs so that we could end up with the perfect amount of money to start our perfect family. You know who didn’t give a shit about all that perfection? Wes. He was constantly reminding me that there would be no perfect timing for any of those things and that we should enjoy each experience as they came to us daily. He truly took on each day as if it were the biggest blessing, where I took it on as another box to check on the road to perfection (whatever the hell that was). Some days I get emotional thinking about how naïve I was about life when Wes was still here. I wish so badly I would have had his outlook on life when he were here. We sure as hell would be broke, but damn, we’d have some crazy memories no doubt! But, I give myself a round of LOUD ass applause for completely changing my outlook on life since my world was flipped upside down.

You want to know who thinks this idea of a perfect life is total bullshit now? This girl!!! Don’t read this the wrong way though. This doesn’t mean I’m a pessimist people. This just means that I’m approaching life like Wes did. Life isn’t perfect, so we have to try and see the best in people and circumstances in order to learn all the lessons and create all the memories. When someone asks me to go to dinner, I go. Will I be tired the next day? Probably. Is the company, good stories, and laughs worth it? Absolutely. When someone asks me to go out of town with them, I go. Does the last-minute notice stress me out? Yes. Will I worry about figuring out things financially to make it work? Probably. Will the memories with family and friends be worth it? Absolutely. When someone tells me they need to talk, I call immediately. Will this disrupt my work flow? Probably. Do they need to talk about something that could have been handled in a text? Maybe. Will it make someone I care about feel valued and loved? Absolutely.

Through all of these questions, I hope you fully grasp where I’m coming from. Life isn’t about creating this perfect persona. It isn’t about having the perfect house, the perfect job, and the perfect family. It’s about taking advantage of every second you have. It’s about living in the moment. Sometimes, those moments suck! Sometimes those moments hurt! Sometimes those moments feel like they’re going to break you! But boy, when you live in the moment…some of those moments make you more grateful than you could ever imagine. Some of those moments make you appreciate life in a new lens. Some of those moments make you so thankful for the people God has placed in your life.

I urge you (and myself) to drop that Perfectionist lens and appreciate everything that life throws you. Some of the darkest times that life sends your way will help you see those good times even more beautifully. And that thought, is damn near perfect to me.

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Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18