Dear Diary, May the Cards Be Ever In Your Favor.

So, recently, I had a tarot card reading compliments of a dear friend of mine (Moonlight Readings is the account to follow on Instagram…shameless plug). In that reading, the cards destined for me relentlessly pointed to the fact that I have to express my emotions in order to find my truest self. I have felt that recently I have been holding back my emotions, so I felt personally victimized (just kidding, but the accuracy was weird man). The cards also revealed that I have to stop letting fear of judgment or fear of how I’ll be portrayed prevent me from being my true self. At the end of the day, I’m on a journey and these fears are blocking me from growing and moving into the person I’m supposed to be. The realizations we came to were wild because, in all honesty, I feel like my recent blog posts have been true but glorified feelings. I’ve been telling yall how I feel, but also sugar coating it a little so that I don’t look totally bat shit crazy. Being a widow is H-A-R-D. It’s confusing and you are constantly questioning if you’re making the right move or if your feelings are valid. It’s scary to be open and vulnerable because one of the people you were most vulnerable with was taken from you. Being a widow is something that no one can mentally prepare for and it’s an experience that you can never put adequately into words. I understand that the only way to truly heal is to be true to myself though, so from now on, expect real and raw emotions from me. Expect that these posts will be coming straight from my heart and head. Expect to find a few more curse words (I look super sweet on the outside but boy my mouth matches a well-seasoned sailor…sue me). I hope that you can appreciate and understand the beauty in that.

Here’s something real and raw…my cards revealed a new love in my future! To which I responded ‘FUCKKKK THAT SIS! In no way am I ready for that cluster of emotions to hit me!’ Weird response, right? Wrong! The thought of someone else loving me in the way that Wes did, and me returning that emotion is unfathomable, terrifying, and leaves me aching for my guy.

First, let’s be clear, being a widow is lonely. For 8 years…8 freaking years of my adult life…I had a best friend/companion by my side that accepted me 100% for who I was. He never made me feel like I had any negative attributes (besides me being a Clemson fan). He never made me feel ‘less than’ for being hard-headed, anxious, OCD, or introverted, even when he was the opposite of all those things. He was the person I woke up to and kissed goodnight, every single day for about five years. He was the person who knew me inside and out, which could be frustrating at times because I tried to keep things to myself. He was the person that made me feel like THE most beautiful woman in the world. He was my other half. He was the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Just because I’ve been without him for a little over a year now, doesn’t mean that I have forgotten that lonely feeling. Part of me will forever be missing and part of me does miss having someone know me as well as Wes did.

Second, let’s also be clear, the thought of ever loving someone else in that way makes me want to VOMIT. Like I’d rather pluck every single one of my hairs out, one by one, than to be open and vulnerable with someone ever again. There are many, many reasons for this, not just the fact that I’ve never been good at vulnerability. I think that the idea of loving someone so deeply again only to have them unexpectedly taken from me leaves me feeling paralyzed. It makes me question if the option of having another significant other is worth the pain I could possibly feel from losing that new significant other. I'm not so sure that consequence would be worth the reward.

Next, I’m not an idiot. Let’s make that crystal clear. Who, close in my age, is ever going to say “You know who I think is a great chick with no baggage whatsoever, who’s really easy to read, and very open with her feelings and opinions of me? Widowed Ashlan! Her heart will for sure be easy to win over. I think I’ll give it a go!” Like come on people…tell me I’m wrong. There’s a lot more that I’ve struggled with and experienced in life besides this journey to widowhood. There’s a lot that only Wes knew the extent of. There’s a lot that would undoubtedly push people away. To top it off, there’s now this rollercoaster of emotions I get to carry around and hope that someone wants to use their tickets to hop on this one-way ride to crazy town. Honestly, if a person does find any of that slightly attractive, I’d probably assume they’re a serial killer (I’ve watched way too many documentaries with my mom to not see that as a red flag trait!). Either a serial killer, or they look at me as a charity case, which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Don’t pity me; don’t try to fix me; don’t look at me as a project. I throw enough pity parties and am putting a ton of effort into growing emotionally and spiritually, so go somewhere else with that shit. Also, how difficult would it be for someone to accept the idea that they weren’t my first love? That they wouldn’t really have had the opportunity to be with me if it weren’t for my husband being murdered? That part of me will always love someone else? That part of me will always feel incomplete because Wes isn’t here? That part of me will always wonder what my life would be like if he were still alive? I’m a pretty strong woman and I’ve never been the jealous type. I’m always really confident in myself when in a relationship, but I’m not so sure I could handle all those things, so how should I expect someone else to be able to?

Also, as mentioned, I have a lot of work left to do on myself. I know I’ll never be totally healed from this trauma, but I feel like I’m just now starting to appreciate the healing process and notice growth in myself. In no way, shape, or form do I think it’d be fair to bring someone along for this process. I WANT to do this alone; I WANT to do this by myself; I WANT to prove to myself that I’m stronger than I ever believed I was. It’s like that phrase that you roll your eyes at when you see it, “You have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you”. Currently, I don’t love myself, or at least not all aspects of myself. I have to heal, grow, and experience this process on my own. Then, maybe one day, someone (or something…like a dog perhaps?) will see that transformation and find it as dope as I do.

Basically, these tarot cards really be kicking my ass (but in the best way possible). I feel like I was given clarity and confirmation on so many different thoughts and feelings I’ve been struggling with. Here I am, letting go of judgment, just like the cards told me. Here I am being raw and real about my feelings with a difficult ass concept, just like the cards told me. Here I am accepting all the new experiences coming my way, knowing that Wes is leading me and right next to me every step of the way. Here I am praying to the good Lord above that me being more open, honest, and real with my feelings in this blog will provide me with the expansion, growth, and love my cards promised.

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Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8