Dear Diary, If You Ain't First, You're Last.

When I think about life, I have concluded that all the best stories start with your first time experiencing something. Parents document their kids’ first steps and first words. Teachers celebrate their students’ first day of school. Businesses preserve their first dollar from the day of their grand openings. Have you ever looked back on your life and thought about all your firsts? I remember my first day of high school. I remember my first crush and boyfriend. I remember my first time driving. I remember my first job. I remember my first day of college. I remember my first day of teaching. These first times are sprinkled through life so frequently and I love that each one brings a new lesson. When I think back to some of the firsts I shared with Wes, I can’t help but smile. For those of you who don’t know us very well, Wes and I were polar opposites. Well, we both valued the same things in life…family, a strong career, and sports, but our personalities could not have been more different. Where he was the extrovert, I was the introvert. Where he loved to go out and do all the things with all the people, I loved to stay at home and relax with my dogs. Where he was the LOUDEST HUMAN BEING WHO LOVED TO MAKE LOUD NOISES AND TAP ON THINGS ALL THE TIME, I was quiet and enjoyed reading and watching TV with the volume below 20. Because of this, I think our firsts brought some of the best (and funniest) stories that are now my favorite memories.

The First Time We Met: I’ve shared this story in a previous post, but you need details people. Yes, you know Wes’s best friend Cody introduced us, but do you know how? There I was, sitting in Cody and Wes’s high school science teacher’s room in a green skirt and white top (Yes, I remember these details). In walks Wesley to put down his book bag before going to lunch. Cody turns to me, grinning from ear to ear (if you knew Cody, you know the smile I’m talking about), and says, “Wait, do you have a boyfriend? Or do you want to date my friend Wes?” I took one look at Wes, with his long Bieber-like hair, turned back to Cody and said, “Um…No thanks!” He replied, “Dang…At least I tried!” They went off to lunch and I continued about my super stressful life of interning. I remember my best friend, Breanne, texted me later that day and said, “Cody and Wes are so cute, aren’t they?” I quickly responded, “Um, no not at all.” Because who shares feelings like that with their best friends? Not me!

The First Time He Said He Wanted to Marry Me: I know what you’re thinking…”Wow Ashlan! You’ve skipped a lot of firsts in between meeting him to marrying him!” You’re wrong! The summer before Wesley came to Newberry, I was invited by Breanne (clearly I owe a lot to her for our relationship) to go hang out with some ‘Pelion people’. I assume I just wanted to get out the house, so I graciously accepted going to an unknown person’s home and hanging out with more unknown people (way out of my introverted comfort zone). When I walked in, low and behold, there was Wesley. Now if you know Wesley and his friends, you know they’re tighter than any brotherhood. These boys feed off of each other and share an unlimited amount of inside jokes. Now imagine me, unknown female, trying to casually fit in. I guess I did alright because by the end of the night, I somehow ended up on the front porch with Wesley and Breanne. We were in the middle of a conversation when he looked at me and said, “We’re gonna get married one day.” I followed with an eye roll and sarcastic laugh. Who was this kid and why did he think that was a possibility?! He turned and looked at Breanne and said, “I’m gonna marry her.” (Side Note: He properly got down on one knee and told me we were going to get married AGAIN that same summer. It was my girl Gracie’s birthday. We were in the front yard at a friend’s house and he properly pre-proposed. We even have the photo to prove it. Give the boy credit; he was determined.)

Our First Kiss: **Mom, Dad, and Grandparents please don’t read because I need you to still think I’ve never kissed anyone in my life.** I remember what we wearing on this night as well; I was in a burgundy mini skirt and black tank and he was wearing a navy Polo t-shirt and jeans. We were both at one of the fraternity houses in Newberry, after a home football game. At this point, we had started hanging out with each other more frequently and were Facebook messaging throughout the day (showing my age, I know). Wes offered to take me home and I graciously accepted. He opened the door to his truck for me, and we sat there awkwardly talking for a second. He leaned in and kissed me. I would never admit to him that this moment made me the happiest, but I knew in that second this kid was going to be in my life a lot longer than anticipated. After he passed, my friend Breanne sent me screenshots of a message between her Wes about our first kiss. He described the kiss as magical, and was upset that I did not share the news of this big event with her immediately. Sorry babe (#hardtoget)!

The First time I Met His Mom: I just discussed this moment with Wes’s mom at our last family dinner. I thank God every day that she is the most kind, loving, and accepting woman I’ve ever known. The first time I met her was probably the most mortified I’ve ever been in my life. I had been staying the night with Wes consistently at this point (sorry again Mom, Dad, and Grandparents). One Saturday morning I woke up next to Wes and he told me that his family was coming to visit that day. “That’s awesome”, I thought, but I didn’t realize how terrible Wes was with details at this point in our relationship. What he should have said was, “My parents, sister, and niece are literally about to pull in the driveway”, because that was a more accurate description of what was occurring. So in walks Mrs. Nicole, Johnny, Makayla, and Emma; and there I am, in PJ’s, no makeup, and sprawled out in Wes’s bed. I had basically moved in at this point. If they glanced around the room you’d see my computer, bookbag, blankets, clothes, and toiletries.( At least the room was clean?) We exchanged names and a ‘nice to meet you’. Being the incredibly nice family they are, I was invited out for lunch that day, but I politely declined. Instead I thought it’d be much better to pack my stuff up, go to my dorm, and swallow the little bit of my pride that was left for lunch.(Another Side Note: Thankfully my in-laws find this story equally hilarious as I do now. Thank you for never judging a book by its cover!)

The First Vacation With My Family: The first trip Wes went on with my family and me was to Myrtle Beach. We were there to watch my sister play in a volleyball tournament but planned on filling any down time we had with seafood, beach trips, and shark tooth hunting. While I was excited to have Wes join my crazy and loud family, I was also nervous because my parents have always had a strict set of rules in place (see apologies from above stories to gain full understanding). I knew that one of these rules was a strict no-sleeping-in-the-bed-with-your-bf-until-he-puts-a-ring-on-it type of thing. I’m not sure why I thought this rule would change on this trip to Myrtle, because it sure as hell did not. We were informed that my mom, Syd, and I would be sleeping on one bed in the condo, Cruz would be sleeping on a cot (the kid was only 3.5 feet at this point so don’t think it was cruel and unusual punishment), and Wes and my Dad would be sleeping in the other bed together. We still laugh to this day about Wes and my Dad spooning when we went to wake them up the next morning, despite my father’s attempt to build a barrier wall of pillows the night before. I look back and love how much my family loved Wes, but most importantly, how much my father loved him (despite him being the biggest Carolina fan to possibly walk this earth).

The First ‘I Love You’: This story gives The Notebook a run for its money. When it comes to relationships/feelings, there’s no better person to mess up a romantic moment than myself. I’ve never been one to express my feelings to others. I’d MUCH rather keep that shit in a lock box and hope that people can read my mind. Unfortunately, even though it’s 2020 and science is advancing at a rapid rate, people still can’t read minds so this technique does not work very well. Wes and I had been seeing each other for four or five months, and he was quickly becoming someone I wanted to spend all my extra time with. One night, he was walking me to my car, stopped me, and said “Ash, I love you.” Now again, most girls would have melted right then and there, and I definitely did on the inside. On the outside, I panicked and said “Thanks”, got in my car and drove to my dorm. When I returned, my roommates asked me how my night had gone and when I told them that Wes dropped the L-word, they asked if I’d said it too. When I replied no, they asked if I loved him or not. Of course I did, but who comes out and just says such a thing?! After some pep talks from the roomies (what happens in the vault, stays in the vault, amirite?), I determined that I would put my heart on the line and tell him I loved him too. With my usual awkwardness, I called him, told him I loved him too, and we never missed a day of saying it to each other since.

There’s so many other firsts I could mention. I remember moving into our first apartment together, moving into our first home together, the first dog we got(RIP sweet Addie), the first time he came to a Diaz family Christmas (yes, it’s that big of a deal), and our first dance at our wedding. These are sweet memories that no one can take from me. But, on the other side of the card, have you ever thought about how last moments also play a huge role in life. Do you remember your last day of elementary or high school? Do you remember the last night you stayed in your parent’s home before going to college? Do you remember the last day of a previous job? I now have a ton of ‘last’ memories that Wes and I shared and these moments have an equally large imprint on my brain.

The Last Supper: (Probably not as impressive as Jesus’s last supper but…) The last meal Wes and I shared together was Thursday, December 19th. I usually cooked dinner every night but this night was different. It was the day before school let out for Christmas Break, so it was pretty chaotic at work, and I was TIRED. I called Wes on the way home (shocker: he answered!) and explained that we’d be eating whatever was in the fridge, freezer, or pantry because I had no energy left to cook. I went home, took a nap, went to the gym, and came back to find Wes pulling in from work. When we got into the kitchen, he decided he was going to cook me one of his specialties. I hate to burst his bubble up in heaven, but try not to be too impressed with this act of service. His specialty was Ramen noodles. But, in his defense, he made THE best Ramen (only those closest to him know the secret ingredient he used). So, we curled up on the couch, watched a few episodes of The Blacklist, and enjoyed our last meal together. I wish so badly I could share one more meal with him.

The Last Nap: For those who know me, y’all know I love a good nap. I especially loved a good nap with Wes. I have to admit I’m a snuggler! So, when Wes and I would lay down for a nap I’d always wrap my arms and legs around him. Picture a koala on a eucalyptus tree (Me = koala, Wes = tree). We always used to say that our bodies fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces. Naturally, the only way to celebrate the start of Christmas Break was to come home and take a nap! That day, Wes had stayed home from work because he was feeling sick. That night, he was attending a Christmas party, and I was celebrating Christmas early with some of my closest girlfriends; a nap was necessary! I quickly changed into some sweats and a big t-shirt, got in bed, and assumed my koala-like position. I remember looking at Wes and saying, “I can’t wait to do this every day with you for the next two weeks!” Maybe it was silly of me to plan that far ahead. I wish I had the opportunity to curl up next to him just one more time.

The Last Conversation: This moment replays in my mind almost daily. After our nap, we both woke up to get ready for our festivities that night. In true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, my wardrobe took up 95% of our walk-in master closet, so Wes used one of our guest rooms as his closet. He was getting ready there, while I was getting ready in our bathroom. I suddenly hear “Babe, we need to get some more of these Southern Tide button ups. This one is my favorite, but I have holes in the sleeves.” Of course this irritated me, because I had just bought this shirt for him only a few months earlier. When I went into ‘his’ bedroom to view the damage, he was standing there with his arms out and my eyes went directly to the rips on the forearms of his shirt. I couldn’t help but laugh at how pitiful he looked. “What are you doing during the day? Turning into the Hulk or something?!” I asked, as I helped him roll up his sleeves to hide the damage. I promised to buy him some more of those shirts for Christmas and went to finish getting ready. As I was walking out the bedroom, he said “Damn”. I turned to ask him what was wrong and he replied, “Nothing, you’re just the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” I type this with tears in my eyes, because I’m so thankful that he told me this daily. I think this instance and our wedding day will always mark my favorite times he told me this. Ladies, never settle for a man who doesn’t make you feel like you’re the only one worth their attention. Before leaving home, we both exchanged I love you’s and he pulled out of driveway. I still have the clearest snapshot of seeing his face in my rear view mirror. That was the last time I ever laid eyes on my husband. Oh how I wish I could hear one more “I love you”.

There are other lasts I remember vividly. I remember our last date night (B Dubs for the win; we loved some boneless wings), our last vacation, our last kiss, and our last family dinner. I can’t help but to look at life differently now. I’ve always been one to stick to the ‘never go to bed angry at someone’ rule, or the ‘never miss the opportunity to let someone how much they mean to you’ principle, but that has just multiplied by a thousand now. I beg people to develop this mindset, because you never know when that last moment will be. And yet I find it all so ironic, because this is how Wes lived life EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I remember a conversation we had just a few months prior to his death. We discussed all the things we wanted to accomplish before we turned 30 and ended up creating a bucket list. At one point he looked at me and said, “If I died tomorrow though, I’d be happy. I wake up each day and am proud of where I am and what I’ve done, regardless of how many things we check off that list.” I firmly believe that statement was gifted to me from God, because no matter how many more things I wish Wes and I got to experience, I know he was happy with our life. He was happy with all of our first moments, all of our last moments, and all of the moments in between.

To the moon, Cody, back…xoxo

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He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil-this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it…

Ecclesiastes 3:11-14