Dear Diary, I'm Free Falling.

Serious question…Who loves watching Discovery and National Geographic shows? I have grown up loving them because of my overwhelming love for animals. I remember at a young age you could find me in my backyard catching lizards, toads, caterpillars, and dragonflies. Sometimes I’d even bring the lizards inside and release them in my play room to play in my Barbie Dream House, which was a nice surprise for my mom to walk in on. We had a family dog growing up that my parents got for me as a friend (might sound lame but hey...I'm an introvert) and I loved playing in the yard with him. My dad used to deliver counter tops and cabinets for a company and I'd always be so excited to have him come home from his deliveries. First, because he was my fun and cool dad (obvi); second, because he’d bring home turtles, snakes, and other creatures he found along the side of the road. Dad and I also started watching nature documentaries when I was younger. I remember being fascinated that some animals could survive in such crazy depths in the ocean, some had poison that could kill instantly, and some were on the verge of never being seen on this planet again. For those who know me, it's apparent my love for animals has NOT changed. I love my dogs like human children. I love finding bunnies in my front yard. I will slam on brakes to let squirrels cross the street. I do not climb on sand dunes because there could be baby turtles in a nest. There is no such thing as leaving a stray animal behind and I still continue to watch nature documentaries and shows. (I promise this is going somewhere.)

I've probably mentioned this before, but my family has a tradition of Sunday dinners. Every single Sunday since I moved to college, I have had dinner at my parents’ house. There seriously has only been a handful of Sundays when we all haven’t gathered together to share a meal and the crazy antics of our week. When Wes and I started dating, he was included in this ritual, and after a few weeks, we even all had specific seating arrangements. We’d head over in the early afternoon and swim, or play card games, or catch up on tv shows (The Bachelor/The Bachelorette is our fathers fave *sarcasm*), or go play tennis, and follow it up with a bomb ass meal prepared by my mother.

I remember our last Sunday dinner as a complete family with Wes. I actually couldn’t tell you what we ate (Mom, Cruz, help me out?), but I remember that we all sat and watched TV together…a national geographic show. Wes and I were sprawled on the floor, Mom and Dad on the big couch, Syd on the love seat, and Cruz in the chair. It was some sort of documentary based on animals and the dangerous places they lived. So, at one point it pans over this beautiful scenic ocean cliff. There were these HUGE stand-alone rock formations protruding out of the ocean that were taller than every building in Cayce, SC (not hard to top…love my town though). When the camera panned out, you saw that on the very tip top of these rock formations, were bird nests full of sea gull looking creatures and their fluffy little chicks. I remember someone stating, “Why the hell would they live up there?” The narrator helped us realize that not many predators located in this region could get to the top of these rocks, so the birds were protected, however, the downfall was that resources like food were hard to come by. The narrator proceeded to say, “These baby birds are linked to their mother. Where she goes, they go; and mom is about to go get food.” None of us thought of how old these baby birds were, until the narrator told us that they hadn’t learned to fly yet. Immediately, I began saying “NOOOOOO! That mom better NOT fly away!”; I recognized the impending doom that was coming for these chicks. And it’s as if this mama bird couldn’t hear me through this pre-recorded documentary, because that bitch took flight right off the edge! Directly after, EVERY. SINGLE.ONE.OF.US. screamed “Are you SHITTING me?!”, “Why the HELL would she do that?!”, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF THOSE BABIES JUMP…” I really wish someone would have recorded that moment in time because I laugh just thinking about our reactions.

Well, I hate to ruin this documentary for you but the babies end up following that mom right off that cliff, and no, they couldn’t fly. Right next to me I hear Wes say “No way they’re going to die! They’re going to be okay.” Like, excuse me sir, what?! How he could be so positive when these sweet little birds are diving to what’s sure to be their death?! These baby chicks were in a free fall that felt like a full five minutes, and our family was holding our breath for every single second, waiting to see what the outcome would be. Would you believe it if I told you that 2 of the 3 babies survived? (Sorry it’s not a 100%; I don’t want to talk about it.) Wes was right; don’t tell him that though. Two of those tiny, fragile, clueless baby birds jumped off a 20 story cliff, hit free fall for what felt like an eternity, and came out walking and alive on the other side. Heck, they might even be back up on one of those rocks by now!

When I thought about that moment earlier this week, I realize I’m one of those baby birds, and I’d like to think of God as the mama bird. Here I’ve been my whole life, on this nice, scenic rock formation. The views have been great, life has been fairly easy, and God’s been up there with me watching me grow and providing me with exactly what I needed. But, as beautiful as the view was, it comes with struggles, just like life. So, at the time I was tired from tears, hungry for hope, and weary from grief, God made me jump. He led me right off that cliff and I followed, because it seemed a lot better to free fall for Him, than to stay on that cliff by myself. Crazy part is, I still think I'm free falling. I don’t have a good grasp on what my future looks like. I don’t know when I’ll start to feel strong again. I don’t know what God is trying to use me for and I most certainly do not know how to fly. But I envision Wes watching over me, just like he did with those birds, saying “No way is she going to die! She’s going to be okay!”

So, I’ll continue to free fall (I’m envisioning my favorite book, Alice in Wonderland right now, and her falling down the rabbit hole). I’m trusting God knew what he was doing when he made me jump without knowing how to fly. I’m trusting that I’ll come out of this scary and unknown situation, stronger, emotionally and spiritually. I’m hoping that if another daunting experience presents itself, I’ll be able to tackle it head on with courage. I’m praying that when I finally reach the bottom of this cliff, I’ll be able to walk away praising God even through the struggle and loss. I'm hoping that when I get up and walk again, that I'll be used as an example by God and be able to help others have faith through their free falls. Most importantly, I’m excited for Wes to get the chance to see me get back up and say, “I told you so” after my free fall ends.

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You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. Hebrews 10:36