Dear Diary, How Would You Describe Yourself?

It’s hard to describe who I am as a person, because I’m not sure I know anymore. My future, outlook on life, priorities, and faith has changed tremendously in such a brief period of time.

I became a widow December 20, 2019. My husband was shot. His death was immediate. I had no time to prepare. Even saying that sounds silly, because I’m not sure what I could have prepared. Maybe 'ill-prepared' isn't the right word to describe the intense shock that rocked my world that night. He was 26 years old, and I was 27. We had a whole future planned, and now, all I'm left with are sweet, sweet memories of our effortless relationship.

We first met when he was a senior in high school, and I, a freshmen at Newberry College (Go Wolves…or Indians, depending on the year you started). I was a TA at his high school and helped his best friend, Cody, finish the remainder of his school work in order to graduate on time. Cody introduced me to Wes before their lunch period one day. Wesley immediately stated it was love at first sight; however, I was not so convinced (#playinghardtoget). Unfortunately, Cody passed away before he got to walk across that stage, leaving a hole that was forever etched in my husband’s heart. To this day, I feel I owe so much to Cody. I would give anything to hug and thank him for introducing me to my best friend.

Wesley started at Newberry College in the fall of 2011, and we may have communicated a total of three times his freshmen year. Each of those times, he expressed how I would be the girl he married. I responded with multiple eye rolls.

Wesley and I went on our first date in 2012, and really, the rest was history. I could provide you with all the ups, downs, and mushy gushy details...but I'm not.Here is what you simply need to know about Wes. He was my best friend. He made me laugh. We didn’t argue; no seriously, others found it profoundly strange. He was my biggest cheerleader. He thought I was the best cook in the world. He was my shoulder to cry on. He loved me through my anxiety and depression. He told me I was beautiful e v e r y s i n g l e morning. He was the best dad to our two fur babies. He supported me through job changes. Simply put, he was my other half. We dated for five years, were engaged for two years, and were married for one. Our wedding was on November 17, 2018, and we both woke up the following morning to state, “If we’d known a wedding could be that fun, we would have done this shit a long time ago!” Successful, if I do say so myself.

Within the month before he passed, we had just returned from our delayed honeymoon/one year anniversary trip to Honolulu, were making plans for holiday celebrations with family, and began planning to start a family. And in the blink of an eye, my world stopped spinning. My future was ripped from me. My life plans were cancelled, not simply re-scheduled.

So, back to the original question...How do I describe myself? There are so many intricate pieces to who I am and to who I'm becoming. And if we're being honest, there are some pieces I know I still haven't figured out quite yet. I guess, for now, this is how I'd describe myself:

I am in pain. I wake up with a heart ache so tremendous, sometimes I wonder if I need to go to a cardiologist just to find out if I have underlying medical conditions. It's a true ache, that starts from the moment I wake up and lasts until my head hits the pillow. It's a pain you can't imagine until you're put in this terrible situation, and one I wish no one had to experience.

I am lonely. I can be surrounded by a group of friends and family and feel so isolated, because the one person I truly want to be here is not. This is not to discredit anyone who has visited/reached out to me in the time since Wes was taken from me; I am so, so thankful for all that love. Just imagine the emptiness you'd feel if the person you loved for 8 years (and had planned to love for 80+ more) was suddenly taken from you.

I am faithful. I have grown more in my faith in six months, than all my years as a Christian. I have fully succumbed to the idea that God’s plan for me is greater than what I currently see. I refuse to believe that Wes's death will not help bring positivity and goodness to this world; he was too much of a light for it not to.

I am thankful. I have received the most love and support, from the closest of friends to the farthest of strangers, among this tragedy. I remain humbled by the amount of compassion still left in this big, scary world.

I am sarcastic. I always have been, and always will be. It’s my way of trying to cope with this tragedy. And although I hurt, I still need to maintain my sense of humor if I'm going to enjoy a few laughs on this roller coaster of emotions.

I am empathetic. I feel things more deeply, and sympathize with those who have lost someone in the way that I have. I pray that through my words and vulnerability, people will be able to find strength in the battles they may be fighting.

I am young. I constantly struggle with what my future is supposed to look like. I wake up every morning thinking, “What the actual hell am I supposed to do now?” I wonder how I'm supposed to create new goals when the main ingredient in my recipe of a happy and successful future is no longer by my side.

I am resilient. I say this out loud in hopes that one day, I will feel it is true. Currently, this is more of a daily mantra for me. Although I may not bounce back to the same person I was before, I believe one day I will feel stronger.

I am a widow. I search for what this ‘new’ life is supposed to provide for me. I contemplate what my purpose is here. I pray that God will encourage me and constantly help me feel loved in my darkest moments. I celebrate the deep love Wesley provided me, and I mourn that I no longer have that future with him by my side.

This is my story. I’m still writing it. It won’t include the best grammar (my degree is in math...sorry). It won’t include the happiest endings. It won't be all sunshine and rainbows, but it won't be all dark and rainy either. It won’t be the next literary breakthrough (no I'm not Hemingway or Fitzgerald status). But, it will be full of honesty and transparency. It will include humor and new experiences. It will be my tribute to the man who helped mold me into the woman I am today.

To the moon, Cody, and back my man…xoxo.

---

But we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5