Dear Diary, 50% of the Time it Works Every Time.

Being the math nerd I am, I love learning about probability and statistics. Analyzing data makes sense to me; it’s like BOOM, here are the cold hard facts. I love analyzing trends of different health topics. I love learning about the stats of different athletes/sports teams. I love interpreting graphs of how different companies perform in comparison to others. The math just makes sense (I credit this to my Enneagram 1/Perfectionist type mentality).

One thing I loved about Wes is that he appreciated a good stat just as much as I did…ESPECIALLY when it came to sports. I’m not sure how the man had that much storage in his brain, but he could spit out facts about a random NBA player, and I’d be like “How and WHY, do you know this?” Now, those of us who know Wes can attest to the fact that some of these statements were total bullshit. He had a knack for making up ‘facts’ that sounded very accurate, when in reality they were what came to be known as ‘Wes tales’. (Imagine how heated my father would get when Wes would make up a fact that made the SEC sound better than the ACC.)

I know I mention Sunday dinners a lot, but it’s my family’s pride and joy of traditions. A lot of conversations get started when we’re seated around the table stuffing our faces, and when you’ve had this tradition for close to 6 years, there’s a lot of content that gets covered. One evening, we were talking sports (are you shocked?), particularly about how every team goes into a game with a certain percentage of winning/losing. Our dad, bless his heart, thinks that no matter the situation, teams have a 50/50 chance of winning. Trust me when I say he voiced this opinion L.O.U.D. and clear. I’m sure Sydney agreed with him, because bless her heart too (that’s Southern for ‘These people aint got a lick of sense’ or something like that), but Cruz, mom, Wes and I all agreed that this is obviously 100% incorrect. We argued that if that were the case, there would be no spreads on a game; they wouldn’t start every Saturday in the fall on ESPN (pre-corona) discussing the percentage that one team will win over another. We gave the example that if Brookland Cayce High School (NOT hating on my alma mater, but we did go 0-10 my senior year in football) played the Patriots, they would, in fact, not have a 50/50 shot at winning. We argued that if Cruz (who I love whole-heartedly and do not second guess his athletic ability) were to play LeBron James in a one-on-one, he absolutely does not have a 50/50 shot at beating him (sorry bud). After all those excellent examples plus some, my dad still refused to believe us (see where I get my stubbornness from now?).

So, we began to give examples of that theory in other areas of life. If I jump off the Empire State Building, I do NOT have 50/50 chance of surviving. If I play the lottery, I do not have a 50/50 shot at winning. Every time I get in a car, I don’t have a 50/50 shot of getting in a wreck. Quietly and calmly (sarcasm), we continued to give these examples to try and convince my dad of basic theoretical probability. In the end, we emphasized that there are outside factors that affect the likelihood an event will occur. Some teams have a stacked roster and have a higher chance of beating the underdog. There’s probably a zero percent chance you survive a jump off the Empire State Building. The odds of you getting in a wreck while driving increase if you’re under the influence. I don’t think my dad ever comprehended, or refused to comprehend I should say, any of this. I still love him and his enthusiasm for always wanting to be right though.

When I thought of this Sunday Night Dinner convo, I got to thinking of how applicable this theory of probability and outside factors is to my current life. There are days where I feel like I have a 50/50 shot at surviving this shit. There are situations that get brought up and my only options are ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; I can either keep going or take an L. It's like I think I'm living in this world of black or white; there's no other factors that can color my situation. I wake up every morning and I have the choice to get up, get out of bed, and try to take on life, or I can stay in bed, think of how shitty it is that my best friend isn’t here to do life with me anymore, and cry myself to death. The only thing that gets me through a 50/50 circumstance like that is my mindset. This mindset I have that Wes would want me to keep pushing to enjoy life while I can, and to take advantage of the opportunities each day provides me. Ironically, he's one of my huge 'outside factors'.

There are other days where I feel like literally ALL of the odds are stacked against me. I’m the damn underdog and there’s no surprise upset at the end. These are the days that I can’t seem to quit crying. These are the days that I listen to a voice in my head that tells me that I don’t deserve to try and be happy. These are the days that I can’t seem to focus on all the blessings that I still have left on this earth. These are the days that I tell myself that I’m too much of a burden to my friends and family. These are the days that I feel worthless. These are the days that other outside factors seem to build against me too. It’s like when I’m in this underdog mindset, all these negative things keep pouring out from nowhere and just bog down my chances of surviving this mess even more. I’ll mess up a task at work, or something will break at the house, or one of the dogs will be sick, and I’ll just want to scream “Why in the fresh hell are all of these things happening to me today?!” Crazy thing is, when I have this attitude, I think I am the only one who could feel like this because of my circumstances. I have this really dope friend though, who reminded me one day, “Everyone has those days. You probably feel them more frequently and intensely, but everyone has them. Focus on what you DO have to be thankful for.” And as trippy dippy as everyone likes to label me as when it comes to mindset, (which I’ll gladly take that label tbh), that’s the truth. The minute you recognize the good things you have in life is the minute that an ounce of negativity gets pushed out. It's the moment you think 'I just might have a shot at pulling off an upset'.

This mindset is what gets me to a National Championship team mentality (in case you forgot...like my Clemson Tigers in 1981, 2016, and 2018). The main source of this mentality for me is my ability to count my blessings as much as possible. Sure, there are really terrible days; some I expect, and others hit me out of nowhere. I recognize too, that sometimes these days are unavoidable. No matter how hard I try to get in a winners mentality, I just can’t do it (I'm still learning that it's okay to not achieve this mindset on the bad days too). There are other days that start off extremely difficult, and the moment I reach out to a friend to tell them how grateful I am for them, or the moment I get someone a little token of appreciation, or the moment I look around and see how incredibly supportive and loving my friends and family are, I immediately see an opportunity to go for two to win the game. Truthfully, at this point, I’d rather go for two and have the opportunity to come out on top than to sit around with a shitty, losing attitude (and I know that's how Wes saw things too). When I see Wes again, I want to be able to tell him that even though life handed me the most difficult season of my life, I put in the work, showed up even when it felt like my opponents were too stacked for me to conquer, and I fought down to the last minute. Even as I type that, I smile knowing he’s thinking “Damn, that’s my girl.”

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Praises be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-6